


Shatter Me

by Annien



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Childhood Trauma, Did I Mention Angst?, F/F, For real don't read if you think it might affect you, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Phobias, Please don't, Suicide thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, alcohol use, triggering content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 06:17:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9165706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annien/pseuds/Annien
Summary: When will Lena be able to let go of her past, of all the family drama and just live a happy life? Well, the answer is not tonight, not when she’s drowning her last shred of self-control in alcohol and hopes never to come back from that numbness again.Warning for angst, a lot of angst, with a shred of light at the end when a certain person that is able to get past locked buildings pulls her out of her self-destructive thoughts.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: please read the TAGS before proceeding with the story. If there’s anything that might trigger you, like use of alcohol, self-destructive thoughts and behaviour, please, please, take care of yourself and don’t read forward. Everything apart from the use of alcohol is only implied and there is hope in the end, but I would not want to cause any triggering events or even flashbacks. 
> 
> A/N: You see, dear reader, it's night - or it was when I started all this and now it's morning and I missed my cue to sleep, again. And just like the countless nights before, I wanted to write in order to update my on-going fics, whichever of them, but I just couldn't get into the atmosphere I needed. You see, you need to be in at least a good mood to write fluff and all that lot. But no, I wasn't in that mood and all that I could muster was angst. So, just like always, if I cannot write light-hearted stuff I procrastinate trying to get into the right mood and several hours later I hate not getting anything done. Which, let me tell you, it's perfect for my motivation, just what I need...  
> But I have to apologise, I'm tired and I'm doing what I do best and talk nonsense which doesn't interest anyone really. Point is, my mood was angsty, so when I was listening to "Shatter Me " by Lindsey Stirling and Lzzy Hale inspiration struck me to write this. And when I say that I really mean that it inspired me, so you might find references to the lyrics. 
> 
> If you still feel like you want to read forward, enjoy!

Shatter me

 

Lena Luthor was sitting in her office with a glass of an overproof double whiskey on rocks in her hand like she did most nights. Even if it already became a habit to end every day like that, something was different. It wasn’t anything in the air, nor the constant noise that came from the streets below her, not even the sirens of the police cars that felt like a drop of colour on a black canvas when they joined the carefully crafted symphony of the car engines that revved when the traffic lights turned green. It was something way deeper. She didn’t quite grasp what that was even though she tried, but whatever was different made her feel like she was floating in space without a protective suit, so that she could feel the void enclose around her. And Lena found that funny because usually she needed more than two drinks in before she could feel like spiralling endlessly into the darkness of the unknown.

Lena Luthor had several phobias. One of them, which made her life as a business woman harder, was aerophobia – oh, how she really hated flying. But she had to push past it regularly, it was not like she had the luxury to travel between National City and Metropolis as often as she did by any other slower means of travel than through air. Another phobia that was a result of her childhood was the atychiphobia – the fear of failure. It wasn’t difficult to realise how growing up as a Luthor people had high expectations from her. She was constantly reminded by Lillian that anything other than the best was not accepted. So, she tried to please her family, follow in Lex’s footsteps and be brilliant. And she did! She was the first in everything she did in school, she won award after award and proved herself to the world, but that was not enough. No matter what she did, her mother wanted _more._ It did not matter that she excelled in everything, nor that she graduated _summa cum laude_ from MIT and was also the valedictorian, that amounted to nothing in Lillian’s eyes, as Lex had already done that. The constant disapproval of her family – which was loudly voiced at every gathering – spawned her fear of failure, which only drove her forward to becoming the most successful woman in National City, despite Lillian’s best efforts to discourage her from her chosen path.

Those were two phobias she struggled with to the day, but there was one that she managed to overcome, the fear of the unknown – the same that she was now bathing in. This fear used to keep her awake on so many nights that she could not imagine being able to count so far. But as Lena was rotating the glass of whiskey in her hand and watching how the two ice cubs were hitting the walls, struggling to overcome the impossibility of breaking their confinement, she realised that now she actually revelled in not knowing what would happen next. That was the thing that made everything different.

Not having a clue in regards to anything that was about to happen was a blessing really, because that also meant that she wouldn’t have to be afraid of all the possibilities her future reserved. Maybe for just one night she would not have to face the possibility of not being enough. And that meant that she would not have to fight yet another battle with the demons that lived in her head. Maybe for one sweet night those said demons would be silent and not speak in that voice that sounded exactly like Lillian’s. Maybe they would not find her again in her dreams and turn them into hellish nightmares when exhaustion combined with all that alcohol she was gulping down would force her to fall asleep, despite her efforts to stay awake.

But that would make her lucky, and luck never stuck to her. Apparently idioms like _“speak of the devil and he doth appear”_ did not stuck to her either, because as soon as she felt like she could enjoy a peaceful night, _that_ voice was back and was talking to her.

_“You surely did not think that I was going to leave you all alone tonight, Lena, did you? I would not be so cruel as to deny you the pleasure of being in my company.”_

Before she could think better of it than to give in to her demons, Lena found herself answering back out loud.

“You know, being alone is not that undesirable when all you want is some peace and quiet.”

_“You mean to say that you want to cast me aside, Lena? Maybe even go out and find someone else to keep you company? Do you really think that you could find other friends?”_

A thought crossed the brunette’s mind, but she kept herself from voicing it, only to realise that the voice was literally only in her head and already knew it. So, she spoke it out loud, only to try and make herself believe it.

“But I have other friends… K-Kara and… and Supergirl are my…”

_“Ha, foolish girl! Do you actually believe that the silly reporter is your friend? Or that a Super could ever befriend a Luthor after all that Lex did? When are you going to open your eyes and see that Kara agrees on meeting you only to keep an eye on you, like Supergirl asked her? Why do you think that whenever you see that filthy alien she already knows everything that you told Kara and the other way around? I bet that they even spend time laughing about how gullible you are when they meet. Oh, the brilliant Lena Luthor cannot even see that she’s being used by a schoolgirl playing reporter…”_

And that was what finally drove Lena over the edge. She could no longer stand that mocking tone, the hideous laugh, the sharp words and especially the thought that there might be some truth behind those words. She could not accept that Kara was using her. _Kara_ – her only friend. _Kara­_ – the only person that could diminish that voice. _Kara_ – with golden hair and eyes that could see straight into her soul. _Kara_ – the person that could seep into Lena’s thoughts when she needed comfort the most and make her smile as she remembered the cute way the blonde would flush in her company. _Kara_ – the only one that could make Lena dare to dream. _Kara_ – the person the voice was trying to convince her to alienate. And that was something that she refused to do.

In a fit of anger, Lena let out all the feelings she had for her mother and stood up, threw the glass in her hand into the closest wall, letting out a shout meant to silence the voice and all those thoughts. She screamed _‘Shut up’_ from the top of her lungs and then dropped to the ground, just like the rest of the whiskey that she didn’t poison herself with was dropping on the wall.

In the moment her knees touched the floor, in the moment she kneeled under her heavy thoughts, that was when Lena felt the weakest. She could not keep her carefully constructed façade in place, nor the tears that were now streaming on her cheeks. She was too powerless to stand tall in front of the darkness that she was constantly fighting to keep at bay, so she had to let herself be swallowed by it completely.

What she saw after was only darkness, nothing else around her. The only sound that told her that it did not all end there was the frantic beat of her heart. The heart that stopped being made of muscles and veins when Lex broke into her chest and replaced it with a mechanical one. Lena was sure that just like any other machine it would break under pressure, pressure that she was already feeling. Oh, it would have been so easy to stop herself from mending those gears and just let her life run its course. She wasn’t afraid of what would happen if she would let go, she even believed that it would be a blessing to let the gears stop.

Lena was tired of the screaking noise they made and which she could not stop, no matter how much she oiled the gears. That sound was all that she could hear, the terrible, ungodly noise that was telling her how she failed at such a simple job of making things run smoothly. And she could not take any second of it no more. She decided that she would let the gears stop, which would make the pressure build until everything exploded and she would shatter to pieces. Into pieces so small that would be easily swallowed by darkness and forgotten for eternity.

She was already seeing the darkness grow in its intensity, greedy for what Lena was promising it, when something unexpected happened. She started seeing something grow in that oblivion and she felt compelled to see what it was. Fear no longer paralysed her being, so, before the thought could even take root in her mind, Lena started walking towards the source of her decision to postpone the inevitable.

As she walked closer, the small fragment started increasing in size until it became a blinding light. Covering her face and daring to walk into it, Lena realised – once she passed the veil – that what she saw was a face. A familiar face. Kara’s face.

 

***

 

When her vision cleared out and Lena came back to her sense, she realised that she was back in her office, crumpled together on the floor. She was quick to assess what changed besides the pit of darkness, and she soon realised that on top of her frantic heart beat and forced breath, there was a second set, this one much calmer than her own. She immediately remembered seeing Kara’s face before pulling out of that place, so she started searching for it, a tiny hope forming in the midst of all the chaos inside her heart. But when she looked up, Kara wasn’t there. The person whose breath belonged to was Supergirl, standing crouched next to her, worry written on her face. Besides the concern held in those kind eyes, the brunette also saw that the pair of lips she was staring at was moving to form words. Focusing on what those words were she heard Supergirl address her with a string of questions.

“Miss Luthor, are you okay? I heard shouting, what happened? Are you hurt?”

Realising that the floor might not be the best place to have a conversation, Lena tried standing up on shaky legs. For a moment she thought that she would end up back on the floor, until she felt strong arms catching her. She was instantly hit with the scent of orchid flagrance, and Lena could not believe how good orchids could smell. She never thought of it before because it wasn’t the most common flower one would buy, and something about that struck her as odd. She remembered thinking about orchids not long ago and it took her a minute to remember when. It was when Kara came into her office and asked about the plumerias that were on the small coffee table, that she asked the reporter what was her favourite flower. And the blonde’s answer was orchid.

It was then when Lena understood why she saw Kara’s face, but had Supergirl in her office… Supergirl holding her. The revelation should have shocked her, but instead she felt warmth spreading through her chest. Nothing mattered other than the fact that she was in Kara’s arms. _Kara­_ – the person she had a big crush on. _Kara_ – the person who might return her feelings if her expression of pure affection was something to go by. _Kara_ – the person that was still waiting for an answer.

Lena knew exactly what answer to give her. It would have most probably been wiser to ignore her feelings, but if she learned anything from what just happened was that she should not keep things inside of her, because when they finally got to be too much, there were high chances that they would leave nothing of you when they would explode. Unless you had a beautiful woman to catch you when you would take that last dive. But what were the chances of that happening a second time? Lena could not take the risk, so she spoke her mind.

“I’m alright now, Kara.”

She predicted the shock and terror that would take over the other woman, so she was already prepared for that.

“It’s alright, Kara, you can trust me. Everything is alright now.”

Lena could not help smiling at her own words, thing that made the Kryptonian loosen up. Just the thought that Lena’s realisation brought her from the broken mess she was when Kara found her on the floor, to the same smiling person she was around her, told Kara that maybe it was for the best if the brunette knew. It would also put an end to the deception she used before in order to keep her secret. Just the thought that from that moment onward she would be able to be herself around Lena made her smile.

“Yes, everything is alright now.”

When Lena saw the returning smile, her face brightened up even more, if that was possible. It made her beautiful green eyes shine, despite the fact that moments before they seemed hollow, except for the tears they were holding. The corner of her lips quirked up in that characteristic way that was all Lena, and the blonde felt herself be pulled by the desire to kiss those sensual red lips that she could not stop staring at. Paying a closer attention to the woman, the blonde realised that Lena was in a similar situation as her, which only increased her desire to close the distance and crush their lips together.

The Kryptonian realised her new train of thoughts forming in her head and tried to shake them while she still could. In order to do that she had to backtrack to the last things they talked before she fell under the brunette’s spell. In the attempt to do anything but allow herself to be captured in that net again, the blonde blurted out.

“But, aaaa, how did you know about me being… you-know-who?”

For a moment, Lena considered just ignoring the question and finding Kara something else to do with her mouth, but she could not deny the woman an explanation. Still, she tried her luck.

“Do you really want to know that? It’s a _long_ story,” she said and then turned her attention to Kara’s hands that were still on her hips, hoping to get her point across.

Understanding what Lena wanted to do instead of talking made the blonde blush and want to shy away. She thought for a second that it would be better to just take a step back, but when she tried doing that, she realised that she would miss the comfort their closeness provided. Even so, she felt a small amount of awkwardness not knowing what to do next, so she tried to go back to a familiar ground and back into the conversation.

“I would not mind listening to you, Lena. In fact, I really like it,” she said sincerely.

“Very well then,” the brunette sighed and then broke their embrace, leading Kara to her couch.

When Lena realised that they were alone in her office, nothing to ruin the new thing developing between them, she knew that the voice was finally gone, at least for the night.


End file.
